Dear Mr. Romney,

The moment I saw you, I knew that you were the messiah sent by the Church of Latter Day Saints to save our country from the fires of hell and liberalism… or whatever the Mormon equivalent is. Your words have rung true with this staunch liberal and shown me the path toward enlightenment.

The solution to all of our problems, bestowed from a higher power is… Privatization!

And now a word from our very generous sponsor, the super PAC Restore Our Future… “Go Romney!”

As I was saying, privatization will right all of the wrongs in this world. Is the fire department not responding fast enough? – Privatize it. Just pay a $2,700 deductible and they will be at your house, hoses ready, within 20 minutes. Do you want them even faster? Another $900 will get you the speedy delivery package. What a deal! After a few minutes of haggling over the price, you would just need to sign a few contracts and make a phone call to the bank. Once your check clears, the fire department will get to work.

The fire department is just one small area that we can improve upon with privatization, but imagine where we could go! Police, hospitals, prisons, pensions, social security… but why stop there? There is still money to be made in the one thing that everyone takes for granted: Oxygen! Just imagine the killing that your lucky friends who invest in oxygen technology could make. After all, we sell bottled water now don’t we?

Coupled with tax cuts and spending decreases, privatization is a surefire success. There are so many better things that we could spend money on, like building colonies on the moon or installing a giant laser beam in space to shoot down nuclear missiles. Why waste money helping the poor?

And why do we need to invest in education? China and India are better than America at math and science already, so why don’t we let them do what they are good at and exploit our own comparative advantages? They can have all of our engineering, tech, science, and medical jobs while we focus on mastering the art of waiting tables at Starbucks. It is a win-win situation and perfectly follows free market ideals. There are plenty of Starbucks and McDonalds in China, and pretty soon they will start outsourcing labor to America!

I look forward to the day when I can wait tables in a fine Chinese establishment… It will be a great use of my $200,000 college education. I hear that KFC is becoming popular too!

However, the more important reason why America needs to cut money from education is because college professors are a part of the “indoctrination mills” that corrupt our young and fragile minds. Forget the sex, drugs, and alcohol; college professors are the real threat on any college campus. They swoop in, earn our trust, brainwash us, and return us to our parents and society as zombies of their own super liberal agenda. They are all elitists with a secret plan to make us love gay marriage and get as many abortions as possible.

Oh the horror!

Finally, a student that isn’t owned by a bank after 4 years is a threat to the traditional ways of American life. It is therefore of the utmost importance to make sure that all students going to college acquire massive amounts of debt so that they are easily controlled. This is very possible to achieve and Republicans are almost there! Keep cutting money to public education and you will achieve this goal in no time.

A warning though, you must be very careful so as not to incite a rebellion. As with other schemes, you will need a scapegoat to sacrifice for the greater cause. Make it look like universities are the “bad guys” in the situation by cutting their funding and forcing them to increase tuition. Students will get mad at the schools and blame them, leaving you and your fellow cronies free to enjoy caviar on your yachts in the Mediterranean.

From: Your most recent convert

(Note: This is meant to be absurd, or is it?)
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